Random Story #6
There are many things in this world that make sense: calculus, the Style Network, and the Patriot Act, to name a few. Of course, there are a few instances existing that are completely random…and things really don’t make sense at these times. But, when you come across a situation that completely thwarts all capability for rational thought, you tend to enjoy the ride…this story is one of the aforementioned situations.
Paul enjoyed these days. Nothing allowed for his mind to release all the stress of everyday life more than a secluded ice fishing excursion to the placid reservoir outside of town. His Subaru was filled to the brim with gaunt albacore (the fish have very little to eat in the frigid months) spiked on his trusty gaff. These fish were not necessarily caught for food, as much as they were for show. Paul and his bevy of friends had a covert tournament set up, where the winning person receives a cash prize from a group pooling of cash, not to mention the right to abase the losers. The main flaw of this event was that most tended to...well, let's just say they were jealous of the victor.
There were six participating in the GFC, and Paul was currently trailing Otis by 27 fingerlings, as these fish tended to be quite young. However, with today’s catch, Paul would be irrevocably in the lead. He had caught 59 tuna on this frigid Wednesday morning in northern Minnesota, and was extolled by his friends upon his return to the apartment building, where they all had rooms on two adjacent floors. Paul slid the key into his apartment doorknob, and ventured into his dimly-lit apartment, only to find a message requesting him at a fellow fisher’s abode, named Allan, who was rather pudgy and owned a lot of flora, as he was incredibly struck by the rainforest of Panama after his previous vacation. So, Paul went next door and was immediately complimented for his fishing prowess.
“DUUUUDE! How did you reel in all these suckers?” questioned Allan, his neighbor placed juxtapositionally to his apartment.
“I dunno, man, I just made my way out there at, like, six ‘o’clock, and didn’t really get back until like, fifteen minutes ago…” answered Paul.
“You were out there for seven and a half hours? Man, that’s dedication to the challenge. Otis is gonna be pissed, though.”
Otis, a large man of dark skin, was not exactly a daunting person, but he did care about the annual tournament, which took place from February 1st to the 22nd. These six guys, (Allan, Paul, Otis, Sam, Gerald, and David) had participated in this tournament for seven years now, all the way through college. But, since Sam and David were moving away in the summer, this was the final year, so the pot was especially large- $1000.
“Man, you better get cracking if you’re gonna move out of last place; I don’t think that you want to deal with...whatever it is that we'll do to you.” Said Paul.
To clarify, whoever failed to break out of last place became subject to a rather cruel prank, always involving (you guessed it) fish. On the group outing, deceased fish were chucked at one another, followed by large amounts of punching. This was a rather awful tradition, but the guys sold the fish to vendors, so the GFC was profitable for all. (Sam won five years ago and woke up with twenty fish heads surrounding his pillow) Sam's bed was just one of the jokes; David was the winner 7 years ago, so he was subject to a romp around town in a large suit, which coincidentally looked like a large trout.
“I really hope this finish is an exciting one…” replied Allan.
The day was February 21st, and tension was in the air. Otis had reclaimed the lead from Paul, who now resided in third, thanks to Gerald’s fishing prowess. In accordance with the earlier years, this was the Marathon Day. Paul was followed by Sam, David, and Allan brought up the rear.
“You’re goin’ down, Otis!” bellowed Gerald, as he was incredibly cocky.
“If you beat me, I will spike your head through the ice on the lake, man.”
Sam and David never really said much, so they were always the dark horses in the GFC. They had all packed into Otis’s mahogany colored Suburban, and Allan was becoming increasingly worried about the Punishment, so he had a plan…
“Yo, Paul, who you thinks gonna claim victory this year? Me, right?” shouted Gerald over the radio, which was blasting some of Otis’s favorite salsa music.
“Don’t get your hopes up, dude, I think I might make a run at this. My new GPS system can actually cast a sonar wave and find fish under the ice.” replied Paul.
“Just because you’ve got some technology mumbo-jumbo don’t mean anything, Paul. But I can predict one thing; ALLAN’S GONNA LOOOOOSE!”
“Shut the hell up, man.” muttered Allan from the back seat of the SUV.
The men arrived at Lake Latoka, the final designated ice fishing spot. Paul jumped out of the truck, ready to make a heroic comeback. He and Allan proceeded to the right side of the lake, and set up shop on the undulate shore of the crystalline waters. The barred fish swam back and forth through the reasonably shoal waters, and Paul stared at the cirrus clouds above. It was time to fish like never before. (cue the Eye of the Tiger song)
After two hours, Gerald had overtaken Otis, and Paul trailed The O by only 4 fish. Allan was growing incredibly nervous, as he did not want to be pranked or humiliated.
"Come ON, fish! Bite the f'n hook!" he yelled into the lake.
"Calm down, Al; it's just a fun tournament." said Paul.
"SHUT UP, MAN! I FREAKING HATE ALL OF THIS PRESSURE! GOD!" screamed Allan as he stormed away.
"Holy crap..." muttered Paul.
The tournament had raged on for another 4 1/2 hours, and there had been many dramatic events. Otis, Gerald, and Paul had all switched places varying from first to third. With only thirty minutes left in the history of the Go Fish! Challenge, Paul was in third trailing Gerald by 7 fish, and Gerald himself lacking behind Otis, who was ahead by 4 of the angled prey.
"OH! Ow! What the f*ck!?"
Paul scanned the Latoka to see where the anguished cry had come from. It was Gerald, who had been stung by a large bee. Being that Gerald was allergic to bees, he was taken to the hospital by Sam, who was in fifth, beating Allan by twenty fish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Five minutes left!" bellowed David from across the lake.
Otis and Paul were both tied with little time left in the GFC, and bith were racing to the finish. The field (or lake, as it was) was split into two sections, the west half for Otis, and the Eastern side for Paul.
"You're in trouble, Paulie-boy!" shouted Otis from across the lake.
"Keep dreaming, big man!" replied Paul.
Paul had placed his lucky lure on the fishing hook, and the final face-off began.
*Author's note- To be honest, it is very difficult to show suspense in five minutes worth of fishing; so, we'll just skip ahead to the climactic ending--
"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...FINISH!" Shouted David.
"No one caught anything...Dang." said Allan.
"Well, that was very anti-climactic. What happened, O?" yelled Paul.
"I dunno, man, I guess we fished out the Lakota this year." Otis proclaimed back.
The 4 remaining competitors met up with Sam and Gerald at Abbot Northwestern Hospital to reveal the results.
"Well, guys, this was a pretty great year. As you all know, we had a tie for first place between Paulie and The Big O, so they will do what they will with the thousand clams." announced Sam.
After a brief yet hearty discussion, Otis and Paul decided to give the money back to the participants of the GFC, as a parting gift. This was a true sign of friendship to many involved.
"Also, just so everyone knows: Allan," said Gerald in his morphine-induced state of hysteria, "we've decided not to humiliate you."
"Wow...thanks guys. You have no idea how much this means to me...I'm gonna go get some water, ok?" gushed Allan.
Bang! A flying bedpan hurled by David (hiding in the hallway) struck Allan in the forehead, causing delight to fall upon his friends. They had been friends throughout, and their story was a nice one.
(Now then, wasn't that rather random?"
9 comments:
the conflict of the story is that alan cant doesn't wanna loose the tournament or else he would have to do some bad things. it was an external situation for him. i don't think it was ever resolved, a explosion interrupted their tournament. i expected more for the resolution of the conflict; i wanted to see how alan did. His ending was dramatic but i thought it didn't fit the story well, it was unexpected.
The protagonist changes throughout the story by gaining confidence that he could win the tournament. alan realized that if he tried hard enough he could win. i dont think this change was that important. if the character didnt change, the story would have been different because he wouldnt have stood up for himself talking to Gerald.
my favorite part of the story was when all the guys were talking smack to each other. it happened i think in the falling action. “Just because you’ve got some technology mumbo-jumbo don’t mean anything, Paul. But I can predict one thing; ALLAN’S GONNA LOOOOOSE!” i liked that part, because when you read it, it emphasizes how Gerald sounds like saying that.
overall the tales best quality is its description, i liked the way you described everything. for example, "His Subaru was filled to the brim with gaunt albacore (the fish have very little to eat in the frigid months) spiked on his trusty gaff." thats a good line.
i think the stories theme is never give up on yourself. the seed that the author seems to plant is self confidence, because in the beginning he didn't seem to have any but now, he does.
the main thing i think you need to revise is your organization of paragraphs, after a new person talks you need to to start a new paragraph, nothing major though. otherwise great job pettttey, your story was enjoyable.
nooooooooooooooooooooooo i wasnt foorst to comment shoot - two o's and + one i in foorst not shoot GOTCHA!!!
Will that makes no sense...
I- The conflict of the story is that Paul wants to win the huge 1,000 dollar fishing tournament also he can’t come in last because he would have to do something embarrassing. The conflict is external. The conflict was never completely resolved. I wasn’t really invested in the story because it was mostly only information and very little “narration” as Mr.B-G says. I understood the story, but it just wasn’t that exciting (except for the avalanche [good surprise] ). You could add more narration to make it more dramatic.
II- The protagonist doesn’t change over the course of the story, I don’t really Paul he could anyway.
III- My favorite part was when Paul came home and showed all the fish he had caught to Allen. A quote I liked was “DUUUUDE! How did you real in all these suckers?” its just what and ice fisherman would say (?).
IV- The tales best quality is information. I understood at the end that Sam and David where quieter and that they were competing in an ice fishing tournament worth 1000 dollars because 2 guys were leaving.
V- I do not know what the stories theme is but it could be, find something that relaxes you. That could be the theme because all the guys’ lives seemed enhanced because of ice fishing.
VI- I think the author needs to have someone read it and see if things go too fast. I was a bit confused at parts and I had to read them twice.
the conflict of the story is that one man doesn't want to loose the challenge or else he would have to do some bad things, and on the day of the challenge and avalanche comes and they cant proceed with there bet or fishing tournament.
The protagonist changes because in the beginning he thinks that he couldn't maybe have a chance at winning this, but towards the end he realized that if you put your mind to it and was determined he might actually win.
My favorite part was at the end when they heard the loud booms and looked up to see a boulder or avalanche falling down the mountain before them.OH, SHI-" BOOM! Another explosion sent an avalanche straight towards the six men and the Suburban."
The tales best quality is its description and how he described what he was doing when he was. When he got home, when he was fishing and his friends.
The theme i think of the story is that if you put your mind to it things can come true and you can do it.
I think you should add a better conclusion to the story, you just kinda leave it hanging at them dying. you could tell if anything happens after, and go over some spelling mistakes.
The conflict of the story is an internal conflict. The six friends are all competing to catch the most fish in a fishing contest called the “Go Fish Challenge.” They all want to be winners and not suffer as losers. They fear losing their pride. It is also an external conflict, because if the fishermen don’t do well, they not only lose their chance at the prize money, they also get a “final punishment.” The conflict was not resolved, because an avalanche put the tournament to a stop. The story would have been more dramatic if Peter had explained the avalanche outcome a bit more.
I would say Paul, the narrator was the protagonist in the story. He went out to win the ice fishing competition by fishing for seven and a half hours one day. This character develops a bit, as the competition gets closer and nearer to the end. He says to one of his friends, “Man, you better get cracking if you’re gonna move out of last place.” The protagonist’s dreams of winning the tournament are shot down because of an avalanche. He is the one who tells his friends to get out of the way. His feelings for winning the tournament seem to no longer exist under the circumstances.
My favorite part of the story is the exposition. I enjoyed reading this quote: “Paul enjoyed these days. Nothing allowed for his mind to release all the stress of everyday life more than a secluded ice fishing excursion to the placid reservoir outside of town.” This quote sets the tone of the story. I can picture the setting in my mind. A bunch of guys off for a short time together, away from reality, and a time to relax with some friendly competition.
Peter uses a good choice of characters. This is his best writing quality used in this story. He describes the characters that have a significant role. As the reader, I understand the characters and the part they play in this tale. For example, Otis is a bigger guy who likes salsa music but also hates the fact that he is trailing Paul in fish count. He is also a nervous man, fearing the punishment of losing the tournament. Gerald is loud and obnoxious. He tells Otis, “You’re going down…..If you beat me, I’ll spike your head through the ice on the lake, man!” Peter claims he’s cocky, and this quote proves that.
After reading Peter’s story, I would say the theme is one of misfortune. Even if you think you are just going out to have a good time, the unexpected could happen. Peter hints to this at the beginning of the story, "Of course, there are a few instances existing that are completely random…and things really don’t make sense at these times.” Peter did a nice job of using this foreshadowing.
I would tell Peter to make the ending clearer and longer. I understand he wants the reader to use their thought about what happened, but it seems like the events changed quickly from fishing to avalanche, and then the story ended. I was left hanging with a feeling of, “What????”
1) The conflict of the story was who would win the fishing contest. This conflict is external. I was very interested with the outcome of the story. One thing that would have made the story more dramatic is if the author could have described how the survivors got to the cave in the end.
2) The main character didn’t really change over time. He just didn’t die when the avalanche came down. They didn’t really have an epiphany either.
3) My favorite part of the story was when they found out the avalanche was coming. “Paul was cut off by a loud explosion coming from the base of the nearby Mt. Dayori,who's summit was at over 2500 feet.
‘OH, SHI-’ BOOM! Another explosion sent an avalanche straight towards the six men and the Suburban.” This is special because it made me laugh.
4) This tale’s best quality is its humor. It was quite funny for a piece of writing. I find it very hard to do that so this was actually very good in my book.
5) The theme of the story is that sometimes thing just happen because they happen and no other definition can be applied. The author shows this by telling the reader that in the beginning of the story.
6) The most important thing that this author can work on is improving the description from when the avalanche started to when they got in the cave. This would bring more excitement to the story.
1.) the conflict is that alan doesn't wanna loose the tournament this is a external conflict.there wasnt really a resolution.
2.) Alan gaining confidence that he could win the tournament at the begginning he was a lttle skeptical. the character didnt change, the story would have been different because he wouldnt have stood up for himself talking to Gerald.
3.) "There are many things in this world that make sense: calculus, the Style Network, and the Patriot Act, to name a few. Of course, there are a few instances existing that are completely random…and things really don’t make sense at these times. But, when you come across a situation that completely thwarts all capability for rational thought, you tend to enjoy the ride…this story is one of the aforementioned situations." this was my favorite part of the story i dont know why, it just caught my attention.
4.) the best part of this story is the descriptiveness. it was a really good visual piece. and it was easy to get wrapped up i the story.
5.) the stories theme is never give up on yourself. the authour is really trying to stress confindence and he does a raeally good job.
6.) as far as revisions go, i would just fix our organization. and some few gramatical things but other then that good job!
The conflict of the story is that allan was going to loose the contest. It was an external conflict. It was resolved when they were trapped in the cave.
The character changes throught the story because he gained confidence in the end but then the story stopped.If the character didnt change then he probibly would have been in such a bad position that he could not have come back.
My favorite part of the story is when the guys are fighting.“Just because you’ve got some technology mumbo-jumbo don’t mean anything, Paul. But I can predict one thing; ALLAN’S GONNA LOOOOOSE!” I thought this was good becasue it sounded very realistic.
The tales best quality was the intro because it gave good insight and made me think of what he was talking about.
I thinkt hat the theme is to never give up. I thinkt his because even though allan was losing he still wanted to try and come back in the tournement.
The main thing that you need to work on would be double spacing between paragraphs, and describing the characters better.
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